如果

我最近常在想，

如果有一天我不再像以前那样紧紧地拥抱妳,

妳是否会紧抱着我说别离开尼?

如果有一天我不再像以前那样每天清晨给妳一个morning call,

妳是否会回电给我问怎么了?

如果有一天我不再像以前那样每晚给你一个Good night kiss,

妳是否会穷追不舍地要回那属于妳的吻?

如果有一天我不再像以前那样每天给你煮好吃的,

妳是否会告诉我妳想念收那熟悉的味道?

如果有一天我一声不响就走了,

妳又是否会哭着脸满大街地去找我?

如果有一天我对妳说我们属于不同失节的人,

妳是否会坚毅地对我说爱能克服一切?

如果有一天我彻底地从妳的世界消失得干干净净,

妳是否会努力去拼凑那属于我们之间的回忆?

如果啊, 如果

如果这是一场梦那又该多好。

这就是我

          很多认识我的都曾经对我说过这么一句话：“当初第一眼见到你那副拽样的时候就想揍你。” 无可否认, 我确实是很没有你们所谓的第一印象和眼缘, 就连我自己照镜子的时候都想揍自己两拳。的确, 你第一眼见到的我沉默不多话, 而那张拒人于千里之外的扑克脸就像人家欠我几百万那样, 就算打招呼也不会搭理。可恶吧, 哈哈。

          我记得有个人拥有着这么一双能窥视我内心想法的双眼—米米黄, 曾说过我像颗榴莲。外表充满刺难以接近, 但内心却很美好, 我说米米黄阿, 可不是每个人都喜欢榴莲(这也包括我自己)因为那味道实在是太难闻了。比起榴莲, 我到觉得我像个刺猬, 稍有动静就用刺把自己包起来不让人靠近。不是我拽、我傲慢, 只是我对陌生的环境充满着不安的情绪, 面对突如其来的人、事、物我无法像演说家那般的泰然或是社交名媛的八面玲珑, 所以只好选择沉默。就像是一颗瀑布里的石头, 任由你怎么地去冷言冷语或嘲讽, 我依然故我地存在, 像是盖斯的物质不灭定律, 既在任何一种化学反应里，其反应前后的质量总是不会变的。

          请你习惯我对任何事物都保有着一定的神秘感, 这并不是你不足我去分享而是我习惯了一个人、习惯了我无论处理任何事情都只向自己交待但这仅限于我个人的私事。请你不要过问或探讨我过往的事情, 就像我不会去追问你有过怎么样的过去。每个人有会有过去, 而我并不会逢人就说起我过往的事, 因为那只适合留在心中慢慢回味, 除非你我曾经一起经历过。也请你体谅我对某些事物的执著, 因为我认为连最基本的坚持都没有的话那还谈什么。或许在你眼里这是个很愚昧的举动, 但我认为这是我值得的、我应该的。

          我依然还是那个我, 并不会随着别人的热嘲冷讽和流言蜚语而改变自己, 随波逐流。一切就让它随缘、随喜、随性。岁末此时, 故我阿凯。

给26岁的我的一封信

写给26岁的我：

现在的你会是个什么样的人? 是个天真烂漫的宅男奶爸? 还是整天躲在殓房里的自闭法政? 还是个四处流浪的背包客? 或是在夏威夷铁人赛赛场上挥洒汗水的职业铁人?

          26岁的你, 如果还不是个职业铁人选手而是个半吊子的话那你还是安安稳稳地呆在殓房里继续你的化验工作。或许你会舍不得放弃职业铁人梦, 但有时候真的由不得你说了算, 因为梦想很多时候在血淋淋的现实面前是显得多么不堪一击。你可能会反驳现在的你还是只身一人没有后顾之忧, 但请你关注你要的同时也关注家里的两老。或许你永远不会忘记当初叛逆期他们的鞭打和冷言冷语, 但毕竟生你养你育你的还是他们。

          现在的你, 或许还是只身一人。我懂你安于孤独也乐于孤独, 因为你这根木头根本都不懂得怎么表达自己, 也许这是你缺点也是你的优点。但你孤独的同时也要学会如何去领悟生活, 毕竟一个人走在生命的道路上难免会有些沉闷, 所以学会生活, 至少这一路你都自个儿地精彩走下去。

26岁, 已经过了年少轻狂的时日, 这是个沉稳安定的年龄。如果职业铁人梦在你心中还像是座活火山的话, 那就不管有多孤独、有多辛苦都义无反顾热血地走到底直到成为职业铁人。但如果还是个半吊子的话, 就请你别再发梦了。

Ah Kai

启      

给未来的妳的一封信

致：未来的妳

当妳看到这封信时, 我可能再某个赛事里挥洒着汗水, 也可能在妳怀里睡得很甜。

          我常在想, 我们会在什么情况下相遇, 而妳又会是个怎样的女孩。到底是在某个路跑赛的赛道上的一声招呼? 还是在某个攀岩壁上的对望? 还是在某个铁三赛观众席上的你被我的英姿吸引? 也许全都不是, 而是我主动向妳搭讪。

          亲爱的妳, 我或许不像别家的男人常会为你做些浪漫的事因为我必须把握我仅有的时间来完成一天的铁三训练。妳或许会埋怨我陪妳的时间不多, 的确, 因为我和泳池、脚车、路跑鞋约会的时间都会比妳来的长而这是我无法避免的。你也或许会嘀咕恋爱以后我没有带妳去吃遍全马, 因为身为铁人的我必须控制饮食清淡, 那些美食对我们铁三选手来说是很重的负担。妳可能会纳闷家里的电视永远都是铁三赛转播频道或是纪录片, 那是因为我必须关注每个赛事并从中学习来准备我下一场赛事。你也许会生气周末的约会我会放鸽子, 那是因为累积了一个星期的训练身体需要休息, 即便我很有精神我想我只会关在书房里评估自己的训练成果。你可能会问到为什么我不像其他铁三选手拥有突出的肌肉群, 也对, 比起他们我确实显得很瘦小但我不止是铁三选手, 我还在马拉松、游泳、攀岩等运动游走, 所以, 这样的身材才是理想的。

          亲爱的妳, 妳或许会觉得我并不够爱妳, 但我能用铁人坚毅的口气和精神告诉妳, 你比任何人、事、物都来得重要但作为一个男人连自己的梦想都无法守护, 试问他还有能力去守护他的最爱吗? 

或许妳从来都没机会去看这封信, 如果妳看到了这表示你对我来说是多重要。对不起亲爱的, 这些年委屈妳了。因为在追寻夏威夷铁人梦这条路上我必须孤军作战, 但愿妳能在终点迎接我凯旋归来。

妳未来的他,

Ah Kai             

启                    

IRONMAN 70.3 Putrajaya

          Actually, this isn't the post race report that I expected. April 13th, 2014, after 4 months of preparation, this day had just come and there was something that I just don't want to see but it did happen—I DNF the race, in the first half-Ironman of my life.

Here comes the story.

          Woke up by 4a.m and preparing race gear on race day, I was blurred like a drunkard due to insufficient sleeping hours as I slept at 1:30a.m. After having my oats, Zane drove me to race destination and all the way I was just sleeping inside the car because I was too sleepy. 5:35a.m we reached and TA (Transition Area) had opened up for athletes for setting up their gear. Bike, shoes, nutrition, and bib number were arranged according to my past race experiences.

6:30 a.m, bike shoes clipped on pedals.

          Then, sent our bags for baggage and waited beside Millennium Tower for our wave to start and somebody just late for the event. Tze Hwee overslept and woke up at 6:50a.m, while I was suffering in insomnia he could sleep tight and deep. God, you're just little bit unfair. I could say this is the biggest event I've ever entered, thousand of people I could met on race day. Aldrain Yeo, a triathlete from Team Time Triathlon. We had a small talk and blessing each other for the race. (Aldrain, hope to join you on training next time, haha.) Tri-Stupe, the most famous triathlete blogger from 2ndSkins but I didn't manage to talk to him. Rupert Chen, semi-pro age group triathlete and others active triathletes.

Surprised! I love this shot so much.
From Left: Zane, Tze Hwee, Jhan Yong, and Me.
Photo Credit: BaikBike.com

I didn't know you were there taking photo, Shan.
Haha, who stole your ice-cream, Jhan Yong?
Photo credit: Shan Hoh

          However, our wave started quite late (almost about 8:15a.m something) due to some technical problem, I guess. It was a deep water start, I liked it so much as it did give the feel of taking part in IRONMAN in Kailua-Kona. I got out of water at my expected time and ran into TA1 to get my bike. As a swimmer, I need not to worry about my swim leg. All the way out I was thinking whether to use fly mounting or not, in the end, I used the normal classic way to mount my bike as it isn't my bike and I need to take good care of it.

Running to the transition area :)
Photo Credit: Yew Khuay

          The bike course consists of 2 loops of 45km cycling. During the 44km of 1st loop, it was smooth and fast as I kept playing with my cadence. But unfortunately, at the last kilometer Zane's prophecy came true—Flat tyre. Oh gross, I still have another loop to go and I didn't have spare tube that time so I dismount the bike and ran on the sizzling hot road like with another foreigner triathlete. All the way running down, there was a thought flashing through my mind, a thought that give up the race but my body was going against with it. It took a U-turn and continued the 2nd loop of cycling. Luckily the marshal and Tze Hwee appeared at same time, both gave me their tube and I quickly changed it and continued my race. The first problem was solved but it came with the second one. My neck and my lower back started get sore after 10km cycling due to the bike fitting. I should've listened up Zane and had lifted up the handle bar before race. That made me needed to stop every 10km and sit beside the road watching other athletes passing through me and it was the worst feeling I have ever had. During the rest I met Clarence Leong, another age group triathlete, he was cramped due to the blazing hot sun.

          With an alternating pedaling and resting I had wasted too much of time sitting on saddle and resting on roadside. At last 15km I was completely down and lying on the roadside. The volunteer came for asking my body condition and I returned back a question. Did the cut off time passed? He replied:"If you going back now you still able to catch up with". At that moment, I saw there was hope, there was light. I didn't DNF appear in my race career so I clipped back my shoes on pedals and pedaling as hard as I could to reach TA2. By the time I reached, Zoe told me that it was just 2 minute passed and I'd been out off the race. That was pretty awkward and I got myself to the medical tent and slept at there.

First loop smooth and fast
Photo credit: QQ's sNAP

Feel ashamed that I didn't finish the run leg. 

          Watching other athletes came back with their Mdot towels and finisher medals, I was unable to accept my poor performance that day. I ain't like Pui San that Rupert compensated her with his towel and finisher medal, even though Jhan Yong or Tze Hwee did offer it still meaningless as I didn't earn them when I crossing the finished line. Even some athletes might tell me that not to worry, there still another race. Yes, I knew but I was training in 4 months past just for this race. To be frank, it's quite annoying to hear when you really upset. But what to do? Life still going on, and training still going on.

          Within a week for calming down, I do finally accept the fact that I DNF this race. 

I swear I'll be back on next for taking back what I'd lost at Putrajaya on April 13th, 2014.

Here I come, IRONMAN 70.3

          April 12th, a day before the race that athletes should have checked-in both themselves and their bikes. As usual, I needed to take the public transport to Putrajaya (this is the life without owing your personal transport) just for the check-in procedure and met with Zane to get the bike from him. Then, a crazy thought came into my mind, yes, I intended to camp beside the Lake Putrajaya but unfortunately that was raining cats and dogs and it was lucky that Zane offered me his place to stay. Looking at my 'The Hulk', I felt he is a burden out of sudden. 

No doubt, I was intended to sleep beside the lake :)

         When I reached, there was plenty of TT-bikes and muscular athletes. Gosh, I was like a stick man standing beside a hercules and felt all my air has been sucked out, haha. Besides, IRONMAN merchandise did have an expo over there, plenty of stuffs could be found like sun visor, Tees, mugs and etc. At the mean time waiting for Zane, I saw both my idols having a press conference, 3X IRONMAN World Champion— Craig "Crowie" Alexander and the one who inspired me— Li Shiao-Yu, Taiwanese national represented. Due to I was missed the pro-press conference with Brad Khalefeldt, Liz Blatchford and Radka Vodičková, off course I wouldn't miss out any chance to take any photos.But in fact, I didn't manage to take their autographs as Zane came in the wrong timing. We went for check-in and some bike fitting then grabbed a lunch. After checking-in and putting our bikes, next plane home.

Auditorium Cempaka Lobby

Li Shiao-Yu, and Crowie

My Bib No.

          I slept at 9 as usual as there was race on next and I need to get myself into transition area to set up my race gears and the problem came. I was completely no idea whether I not used to Zane's place or just merely my adrenaline get pumped. Lying down in bed and swiping the phone until 1:30a.m then I could only get into dream. But, by 4a.m I needed to wake up. I didn't know what would happen on race day.

I bought a sun visor, but first let me take a photo :P

My race partners, rock on race day Saucony #FindYourStrong

Another Legend....

          36 years old, it seems an impossible age to put the body into extreme test, stand on top of the world, and shine like a star in the night. But there is one who did in this plane and she is Li Shiao-Yu. It is a challenge letting your body to suffer in an endurance sport and leading as a champion at contemporary, but she has proved she can do it with a 2.4 miles swimming, 112 miles bike ride, and a marathon IRONMAN course in her action.

          Li Shiao-Yu, a Taiwanese national represented IRONMAN triathlete who also known as 'The First Ironlady in Taiwan'. In spite of her fame, have you ever known what was the power that makes her an Ironlady today? She had a different experience than other people but she lives as lively as other people. At 17 years old, she was paralyzed after a crash but this never beat her down. Sitting in front of the mirror and looking at herself, she told herself that she needs to get up and move.

          From the day that she could walk at the beginning of rehabilitation until she could  run and realized the truth of life. At that moment, she tells herself she wants to keep moving in the rest of her life. At 25 years old, she was inspired by Lance Armstrong after reading his autobiography 'It's Not About The Bike: My Journey Back To Life' which collaborated with Sally Jenkins and soon devoted herself into triathlon, represented Taiwan in ASEAN national triathlon competition.

          "We have aims in our different stage of live. When I was 32, I was looking for something more challenging," she said. Hence, she signed up the IRIONMAN Hainan, China on 2010 and stated her IRONMAN triathlon career life.

             

“I never thought of giving up. I just kept running, thinking I must catch up with the fastest one and win,” she says and she is Li Shiao-Yu.

IRONMAN in progessing

          When you know that the most important, meaningful, excited day that you ever wanted in your life is coming soon, what will be your first impression? Touched? Insomnia? Or Cherish? But I would say "I just can't wait that day coming".

          10 more days to go and the journey to enter Kailua-Kona, Hawaii IRONMAN World Championship will be progressed. I will be swimming in the roughly wavy open water, I will be sitting on my bike saddle paddling hard to get moving, I will be running on the longest, toughest road under the hot sizzling sun, and I will be crossing the finish line with the proud and honor.

Start List of Pro-Triathlete & Age Group

          It's also glad to see my idol -Craig 'Crowie' Alexander and Liz Blatchford are in the list. Crowie, 3X-IRONMAN world champion legend who inspired me wanted to devote more into IRONMAN Triathon. This is the first time, might also the last I can meet with Crowie face to face as he has announced his retirement from IRONMAN world championship race. May God bless him doing well and stay strong in future. See you Crowie and see you IM70.3 Putrajuya.

恋

或许我还会不安地四处寻找
那曾经让我对她会心微笑的女生
但是  我已经变了
就算我们在转角某处再次相遇
我想我会如此地坦然掠过
假装没有看见她

可是
请容许我对爱还保留那一丁点的眷恋
或许  我会选择对这她的背影打招呼
这也是我唯一留给自己的
迷恋她的权力

再见了, 2013

          2013, 这个数字确实让我亦喜亦悲, 百感交集。往事不堪回首, 这个年头里的点点滴滴就像是一幕幕的电影情景浮现在我脑海里。 我所申请的大学被录取了但也确因为TOEFL而被逼延期﹑第一次自己背包旅行并认识同行的一个女生, 原以为受到爱神的眷顾, 但确实天意弄人﹑原以为平安夜, 圣诞, 还有新年可以和她度过, 但最终还是一个人在training里度过。

          唯一让我欣慰的是, 从我7月7号第一次的铁人赛﹑ 马拉松到现在, 所有赛事都能以预定的时间﹑速度完成, 我的体能, 耐力, 速度也略有提升。至于Water Polo, 从一个什么都不会的菜鸟到一个守门员, 确实下了不少苦工。也很欣慰能够完成Award of Merit救生员的考试。

          我衷心感谢所有一路陪我走过这年头的人, 感谢Isaac和Albee的一路的相伴, 不管吃喝玩乐总是第一个想到我; 感谢Sang Long, Jia ler, 还有Binken的一路的陪伴, 让我真正感受到大学的生活应该是怎样; 感谢Jhan Yong一路的指导, 没有你就不会有今天的"铁人阿凯"; 感谢Joong Shin教导, 没有你或许我还是连50米都游不完的家伙; 感谢Ian和洪师傅, 陪我度过无聊的十二月。

          至于那个她, 我很感恩上天让我们相遇, 也很感谢你为我准备的生日惊喜, 但很遗憾我们并没有因此而走入对方的生命里。这一年, 是走过21年以来, 经历最多的一年。岁末此时, 我不再回首, 故我阿凯。

忘记....

         忘记一个人, 并非不再想起; 而是偶尔想起, 心中却不再会有波澜。真正的忘记, 是不需要努力的。每个人的电话簿里, 都会有那么一个你永远不会打, 也永远不会删的号码; 每个人的心里, 都会有那么一个你永远不会提, 也永远不会忘记的人。有些人或在记忆里, 刻骨铭心; 有些人或在身边, 却很遥远.。所以, 缘来是你, 我惜; 缘尽而去, 我放....

我不配

          静静地坐在电脑面前, 我, 试图整理着思绪。突然记得妳曾经说过有人为你写过部落格, 一时兴起想搜寻并点阅他的博文。结果, 让我找到他的部落格但也同时换来我的顿悟。从《是什么让我遇见这样的你 (1)》叙述着你们俩相遇的过程到《是什么让我遇见这样的你 (2)》里他提到妳因为看了他的博文而哭了。我方才意识到, 比起你身边的追求者我显得什么都不是。我没有他们的经验老道的细心和浪漫, 没有他们的成熟稳重和温柔体贴,  也没有能保证婚后生活的收入, 更因为我是马拉松跑者所以没有妳想要的猛男身材。

          种种的没有让我一度让我怀疑我是否真的适合妳, 我也一度试图去求证妳是否喜欢过我, 但换来的却是一句：“喜欢, 这个词是给有关系的两个人, 而我们什么关系都没有, 但还是可以发展”。心, 顿时灰了。或许是真的有机会可以发展, 也或许这只是一句纯粹不想伤害对方的话语。但如今已经不重要了, 因为累了, 不再想去猜测妳话里的含义, 不再想去揣摩妳的心思。

          或许妳并不会打来哭着说妳想我了即便看了我的博文, 也或许你根本没有机会看到我的博文。一个男人真正的荣耀并不是他拥有多少女人, 而是一个女人愿意为你拒绝任何男人, 而我并不配拥有这份荣耀。如果有一天, 妳发现妳翻开手机通讯录你我的号码打不通、Wechat, Line, Whatsapp也没回信、脸书再也搜寻不到我的帐号。 请原谅我这一次不成熟地没交代, 就这么一次。

不是....而是....

不是我不想给妳打电话, 而是我害怕打扰到你在做事;

不是我的话题少, 而是我比较喜欢静静聆听你所说的;

不是我还不够成熟, 而是我想把我最真的一面留给你;

不是我不想理妳, 而是我有时需要一个人思考的空间;

不是我并不够爱妳, 而是我害怕去面对失去你的痛苦;

不是我想停下脚步, 而是我害怕距离近了但心却远了;

所以, 我只好原地不动静静地守候, 或许这是对彼此最好的距离, 我不需要害怕你离我而去, 也不需要害怕把你吓跑。

因为不是....而是.....

化学反应 (下)

         望一望电脑的右下角, 已经凌晨三点钟了却一点睡意都没有。试图阻止在键盘上敲击的手指, 因为我知道敲出来的却是我对妳永无止境的思念。很显然, 我失败了。

         自Krabi回来以后, 妳, 在我生命里占去了绝大部分的空间。无论是工作、吃饭、甚至是思考, 哪怕只有那一丁点的慌神, 对妳的思念就像洪水暴发涌入我的心里, 令我毫无防被, 这也许是爱上一个人的征兆。对于妳的思念我小心收藏, 对于妳的回忆我细心保存。对于妳, 我有着许多的第一次。 第一次, 聊天聊到忘记睡觉, 那是我第一次也许是最后一次跟女生聊得那么来。妳的声音对我来说就像是天籁之音, 每次和妳聊天我都很放松自在, 每次和妳聊完我都会睡得很香; 第一次, 相约的第一场电影, 即便你已经看过了却还是坚持陪我看完; 第一次, 有人在戏院里为我吃薯片; 第一次, 有人穿上我的外套; 第一次, 有人亲手为我做蛋糕; 第一次, 有人紧紧地把我抱在她怀里; 第一次, 海边的亲吻。

           但近来, 这个化学反应似乎到了瓶颈, 我们从以前每天通电到现在一星期、甚至一个月才那么几通; 从以前信息是一来一回到现在许久才回; 从以前只打一通电话就能听到妳的声音到现在十几通电话都是留言信箱。或许所有东西都遵循着物质不灭定律和反应速率, 没有永远反应不完的物质也没有永远持续的反应。

           但我真的希望, 这个化学反应能够持续下去, 一小时, 一天, 一个月, 一年, 哪怕是一辈子我都愿意参与并守护这个化学反应。

化学反应 (上)

        恋爱——这个微妙的东西就像是生活里的化学反应, 让你捉摸不定, 猜也猜不透。它有时像是化学里的无机反应, 电光火石的那一刹那可以爱上一个人; 有时就像有机反应, 需要很长时间才能产生化学作用; 也有时就像两个无法反应的物质混搭在一起, 任凭你怎么努力地去加速反应, 那两人依旧是无动于衷、无法相爱。

   有时候我会问自己, 到底是什么让我遇见一个这样的妳? 2013年5月21日, 茫茫人海中我遇见了妳, 这或许是我上辈子修来的福份, 也或许是纯属巧合。但我很肯定的是, 妳我之间犹如加了催化剂的有机反应由慢变快、由弱变强。当时的我与妳只不过是再普通不过的陌生人, 记得当时的我一脸chock样; 而妳却一路上不断的逗我, 记得妳在巴士上为我而唱的那首《热情的沙漠》, 记得妳在泳池嚷着要我游butterfly给你看, 记得妳为我晒得烧焦的背后擦修复霜 (不妨告诉妳, 我当时把头藏在枕头底下偷笑), 记得我出岛攀岩迟迟未归妳担心到要死的样子, 也记得你把头靠在我的肩膀上睡得很甜的脸孔, 更记得妳在登机的一路上连跑带跳的可爱模样却又突然止步回头我握着我的手说：“我们好好相处”。我想这点点滴滴后来促成了我们彼此之间的催化剂, 唯独妳能燃烧我的沙漠、唯独妳能溶化我这座冰山。在妳面前我不需要冷冰冰地板着脸、在妳面前我不必戴着面具去猜疑, 因为在妳面前我就是我自己, 我就是爱上你的陈添凯。

My Very First Triathlon (Pre-race)

          July 7th, 2013, it might be just an usual day for a normal people in this planet, but for me, it is unforgettable and memorable experience ever in my life. Because today I've made a decision that people used to think but never took action. Because I dare to dream. And Because I joined Port Dickson Int'l Triathlon, a sport that I never touched before.

          I can still recall when I told the people around that I took part of Olympic Distance course and their first reaction was "Could you?", "Are you sure you able to finish the course?", "You don't even have a bike, just forget about it" and even my boss said that I might need 5hrs to finish the course. Yet, there are many people out there to tell you you can't. What you gotta do is turn around and say "watch me" and I did prove them I did it.

          There were still 4 months to reach the race day. As a swimmer, I was still doing the usual training everyday but the different is I need to add-on the run or the cycling session after the swim and there are still tons of techniques like open water swim skills, transition area preparation, fly mounting, nutrition, and etc I need to learn. Hereby, I'd like to thank Jhan Yong who did coach me, brief me a lot about this sport, without him I guess I was like what they said -DNF(did not finish). Time flies and my training progressed so were other triathletes in this planet. Day by day and hours by hours, muscle getting sore, endurance getting long-lasted, stamina getting raised and all the sweat I paid getting some tiny feedback. 

          Someone said some succeed people are destined but most most because they are determined. I may not  be the strongest; I may not be the fastest; I may not be the toughest; but I'm the determined who fighting hard for my dream.

          I hated  every minute of training, but I said, "Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your live as a champion.                                                                                         -Rise and Shine